Some 17 years back

It was but another day.A simple,ordinary one with no great events,nothing. But what ensued, changed everything.The way things were,the way I viewed them and the way I viewed myself.

We all have this kind of a day in our lives. We recognize it or not is up to us.Sometimes we consciously do it, sometimes we fail to notice it, but it is there always.

I also had one, not recently but some 17 years back. That is indeed ages back so to say. I changed drastically for good or bad I don't know but I changed, I know that.
What happened which transformed me? Is that important to know? It may interest some, it may not. But yes the effect was massive.

The transition phase was kind of a hell. It was preparation time, the change was happening to prepare me for some difficult situations in life which included facing death of near and dear ones. Some betrayals, some hardships, some trials and some errors.

The upheaval continued for some time, made me strong, maybe too strong. I was not again the soft spoken,shy person I used to be. I liked the change in my persona. If you need to stabilize in life you have to keep your feet firmly on ground.Those tiptoeing and prancing around don't help in the long run.

The journey began, a height was reached, not to avoid what was below or to reach the top. I was there somewhere in the middle. Now that is a dangerous position when you are neither this side nor that. You fumble and ask yourself where you belong. You don't get an answer. Every one interprets you in their own way and they are right to do so.

So was the situation with me. I tried identifying with either side. I couldn't. Moreover my situation was just like a tree which was shaken with a storm, it was not uprooted, that would have been good, at least it would have known it has reached end. No it just bent at an angle. Now it was not standing tall, so couldn't look up at the sky neither it could associate itself with the ground.

The tree kept on swaying with each storm,I kept on enduring each obstacle. I didn't fall down, I didn't rise up.What an enviable situation I was in :) neither here not there.

Then again I realized the situation which I was in, was not so bad. Maybe it was my ignorance that I didn't realize it earlier. But yes gradually I started liking it, got comfortable. Life had its own plans though and as usual it never let me plan things.

I found myself again in the same situation which I was some 17 years back. This time though I had my maturity with me to tide over the difficulties I was facing. Will I change again, now what will happen?

Do I turn again in that soft spoken person who thought twice before speaking one sentence? Was it like I had to go back to square one? Is that ever possible?
My struggle or more correctly my self realization still continues.

The change happens but again am not realizing it. And it was all again in a day when nothing big happened, some small things, some usual events.

Days remain the same don't they, we change with them. Point is how much we realize that makes a whole lot of difference.

This blog can be a fiction, but what if it is a reality?

I cry to know myself

Sometimes you need to put your mind to rest,let heart take over,let feelings run havoc,good bad whatever it may be,let them express themselves.You will ask what's the use? Well this is called cleansing of soul. Didn't we lose touch of it in our daily life? But how is that you let your inner consciousness come to the forefront?

It's not easy actually.You have buried it so deep it does not come up easily. You gradually lose touch of real you.But try this you will emerge stronger.The weaknesses which come up as tears and anger actually connect with your inner self. Any small event can be a trigger if you are ready to experiment.

I do this to connect with myself.Like I did yesterday. Nothing as such happened,only a small incident which does not deserve my attention at all but yes could have been used efficiently to connect with my inner self. I did just that and I realized so much sadness still remained in me, and the more I took it out I felt light and happy.

It helps to show weakness,if I cry and I am alone I know I have myself with me.No I don't need any support or shoulder to cry :). I can perfectly control my emotions but I wanted them to go loose, see where they go,how I feel at the spur of the moment.What thoughts cross my mind. I got to know myself much better than I did all these days.

I could have kept this exercise to myself but I wanted to take this further,yes I get weak to go more stronger.I wanted to share this since I don't feel ashamed at all I had tears,I had anger seething in me. It would let me emerge more as I want myself to be.

We have to face truth and when I say am optimist I am, after knowing all the negativity. I know the smile which comes to me now is genuine,not fake since I am not forcing. I am in full control of my emotions and yet they are not suffocated.

Do you think this kind of interaction session with yourself will help you?

Changes matter or the way?

Changes come in small packages and they are loved that way the most. Why? Wouldn't you like something big? Believe it or not small joys make you more happy since they come in right size to affect you in the way you want. It registers actually. Does that mean you will look for small things to happen and leave aside the major happenings? No not at all but you would like yourself to be prepared fully for that major thing.

You like to enjoy moments, more precisely.You like to relish them in your own way. You don't like any disturbance, you want the change to engulf you in your own sweet way. That is the ideal situation.

But do things happen the way you desire? Of course not, they happen in their own way not how you want them. You are lucky when you find yourself admiring the way they happen.Think about it,they took place in their own way,you took it as a pleasant surprise.

Third situation is, change is happening in its own way, you are thinking of the way you want them.Now the disconnect is there.Does that mean, you will leave track of them or you would be so engrossed in your preferences that the way matters more than the actual thing? Tricky situation isn't it? But then it again depends on you.You can either stick to your likes and dislikes or try to analyze what is actually happening. Isn't that something you wanted but you prefer to forget it.

So changes can either bring you to that perfect situation, you always wanted; you can be lucky if the change is what you always wanted.Next you can be proactive to make the change work for you.

Which way you want the changes? The question remains-changes matter or the way? :)

It's not simple

People's behavior is so complex.You try to simplify things but they will again make it sound complicated. You tell a simple fact,it gets back to you in a convoluted form. Judgments and analysis all leads to one goal that is make life difficult for yourself and others in the fold.

What I said can be viewed as an angry outburst but the point is if we think calmly, yeah I have taken a deep breath and counted 20 backwards what next? Situation changes, no, attitudes? No? Stupidity nah, shrewdness disguised as innocence no no not at all.So nothing changes, they evolve with flying colors in fact.

So basically I am back to square one and that is again dealing with complications and more complications. My question to myself- come on why I am just being a silent spectator and even if I am reacting it's me who sees it. So didn't I also contribute to the complex situation, yeah absolutely no doubts about that.

Then what right I have to say people make things complex, it's me,who has the major role to play in things happening the way they are around me. I can be a sponge go on absorbing, I can be a vacuum and suck everything or I can be a boomerang and return what comes to me.

The decision is simple and I need to take one of the options soon, sponge I have already been, point remains if I want to deteriorate further and change in a vacuum or change my approach and be a boomerang.

Moreover what I want simplicity or complexity choice is entirely mine, and the choice has to be made again to make life simple or complex :)

I will not opt for choices

I keep on learning from people.The more I interact with different people I understand one thing how much is there to know.Each facet of an individual is a lesson in itself. Experiences within a defined sphere is one thing but when it flows out of that boundary then the challenge begins.

How I should behave in a situation where I don't know the factors, don't have an inkling of the rules? It puzzles but it teaches as well.

We can always say we will do this or that.But what if there are no choices or say you just leave out the options. Yes the situation gets more challenging but the learning experience is also there.

It comes to me why I would leave out the choices,I can also say yes or no. Why I have to behave according to the situation, why not create a new situation rather than indulging in something where choices emerge.

But my question to myself is why there will be choices always. Why I will make it so easy for myself to opt in or opt out? Why not stay where I am? Point is why I will, my option is simple-I need to increase my boundary and when you are up to that you leave out the options isn't it. Just follow the path.

It may take me two minutes to go against something but what I would enjoy is spending moments,which teach me and tell one thing take life as it comes. Anyway it never gives you much of choice either accept it or go against it.

For me choices are in front of my eyes but I would rather not choose them :).

I created I know

Something disturbs. When you give 100% and the output comes as 70% or even 60% and the rest are just fillers with no real value;that is the time to worry. You worry because apparently the output seems 100% but it's not.

Why the gap and why something superficial needed to fill in the gap? You worry more when you are involved in a process but someone else starts analyzing it. It's like someone just checks the output box in the flow chart and present the analysis.The input, the decision making, the throughput all is ignored.

This is the time when things take dangerous turn. It bends both ways, good or even crumble to worse. What to do? How to tackle this situation? You cannot repeat the same process again. You cannot change some one's analysis. You know only your process which you carved with determination and hard work.

This time you need to let things take their turn. Once you see it's changing for the worse you need to pitch in. Situation may have been turned against you, the process which you carried on will always be yours and no one can change it however hard they may try. Also they won't because the analysis is dependent on the process.

We can call a day a bad day or good day but it starts with a morning, evolves in a day, cools down in an evening and sleeps into a night. The process is the same, our analysis is different towards it. We can alienate ourselves from the analysis we cannot from the process.

And if a day is filled with wasted time and we say that the day is good that is entirely our fault. Since this good day is going to make us feel bad in coming days.Process and analysis should go on side by side not separately, it is bound to differ.

Last call

I heard loud and clear,
It was just another call,
But this time the ears slept,
The heart soaked all the words,
The voice was never heard,
The feelings never lost,
I just heard that call...

Take 25

This note I have written in Facebook,actually this was a part of an exercise which my dear friend @hnatarajan motivated me to do. He tagged me in a note which include 25 random thoughts about him, now whoever was tagged in the note also had to share 25 thoughts about themselves ranging from habits,interests,liking whatever which came to mind first. Presenting those 25 thoughts here.

1) Live life as it comes
2) Positive always,can't stay with negative feelings/thoughts.
3)Try to analyze things sometimes I fail sometimes I do succeed :)
4) Hope is a big word for me it is strength.
5) Thoughts pour in at odd times which I can't write then they either fade away or stay in me only.
6)I look forward to knowing more people, why just to understand my existence.
7) I tend to be philosophical.I think this much is enough.
8) I feel heart is more stronger than head believe it or not.
9) Everything has a reason so it happens.
10) I look forward to see myself in middle of politics one day
11) I left writing poems
12) I have become like an instant coffee more into tweets than blogs or posts.
13) Temper is one thing I need to control more,have done that mostly but still some work is left.
14) My patience level has increased, life was a strict teacher in this department.
15) I don't believe much in planning.
16) I generally don't take no for an answer :) like to persuade people,then I think maybe they are right and me wrong,maybe is the big word
17)I like being frank and want people also to be the same, mostly that doesn't happen though.
18) I lose patience when I have do something about me like am losing patience to write more about me here lol
19) I don't believe in stereotyped rules
20) I like discipline
21) Punctuality is something I admire
22) For me a work has to be done now,can't leave it for tomorrow
23) Am sensitive
24) I like to learn new things
25) I am lazy so am not checking what all I have written :)

Our attitude should change

Professionalism- is it always required at work place or you need it in every sphere of life? Is it fine if you do your work with perfection but when it comes to home any social activity you can be relaxed. After all it doesn't matter even if the work is not done on time or there are errors.

Then can we say we are professional because there is a fear factor working in our minds which let us be efficient at work. What is the definition of expertise in home affairs. Who has mastered it then? The home maker be that a woman or a man won't you say that person has a professional approach?

In any social activity which we are doing what gets us there-we like it,we want to do it,we are doing it for a purpose. There we hardly think of being professional, we think the fact that we are doing it is enough, that we have taken time out to do something is an achievement in itself. Does it work like that?

What I feel is professionalism is required in all spheres of life be that our home affairs, managing a wedding,hosting an event or even celebrating something.Professionalism means doing things right and at the right time come what may. What is your opinion about this?

We adjust to be happy

We always hear this, we need to adjust.Adjustment so to say is part of our existence. We cannot ignore it in fact it can be dangerous for us if we try to do so. But when the question comes how much we should adjust then all the trouble starts.

We are never clear about that. We go all our way to adjust for a situation and then what happens we are not in that situation, we are at the back seat. It usually happens that people take us or we take the people for granted. Not a perfect situation.

Can we say that when we are happy in adjusting that is actually the ideal adjustment. How beneficial it will be for other person or situation. Well even if the adjustment is 10% less than what it had been if we had not put our feelings in it, the result will always be good. Success rate more than when you are unhappy and giving in to situation since you have to do it.Here you have to do it but you are not doing it actually. The mechanical aspect doesn't help.

What I feel yes we should adjust but only that much which we do with full heart, rest just leave it. Either way the thing is not going to work if it's not working with your full engagement. If life asks for full engagement,situations as well, they are not separate from life are they.

Mixed emotions

One thing we all dread is mixed emotion. You feel bad about something and at the same time you are happy. Why our thought process is so complex? Or is it that our feelings don't emerge easily.

We have become quite advanced compared to previous generations but have we got any success in the emotional sphere. Are we not lagging behind there? We also rejoice over the fact that we hide our emotions very cleverly.Are we able to hide or we kill it? "Emotional fool" what is the definition of that term. Who is emotional genius then and how is that person different from the geniuses we see everyday. Here I mean the ones who use their brains in the best possible way.

Coming back to mixed emotions.Since we are emotionally intelligent it happens or we are fools and it is a logical result of that? Does the situation make us think that way or we view the situation in a way to give it double tinge?